Seeking Closure After a Breakup: Why You Need It

Imagine if your loved one just told you that your relationship is over and didn’t talk to you anymore. The chances are that you would feel completely devastated, and that would be a natural reaction to such a cruel breakup.

The problem with this situation is that one partner strips the other one of their right to understand what happened. When we love someone and have a close relationship, we cannot just stop and pretend that nothing happened. We need clarity, and we need closure so that we can move on.

  Closure: Psychology Definition

According to the definition from the American Psychological Association (APA), closure is an act or sense of completing something. For instance, in therapy, a client comes to closure when they realize that they’ve resolved a certain issue. Therefore, it’s no surprise that many people who didn’t get closure after a breakup find it when they visit a therapist or try affordable online counseling.

People need closure not only after a breakup but also when someone they love passes away or even when they lose their job. In other words, we need closure when we lose an important part of our lives.

  What Is Closure in a Relationship?

Perhaps, the main reason why we need closure after a breakup is that we are looking for answers. We want to know why a relationship that was very important for us ended, and answers can help us ease the emotional discomfort and the feeling of frustration.

Without these answers, we would need to analyze every detail of the relationship in an attempt to understand what was the problem. When we find the answer, we achieve closure, and it gets easier for us to move on.

People usually need closure when they lose something that was particularly important to them. For many people, relationships hold particular value so it’s no surprise that breakups are one of the most common reasons why we seek closure.

With that said, closure itself is unlikely to turn a breakup into a positive experience — it just might be a lot worse without it. For instance, if you learn that your partner decided to end the relationship because they love someone else, you will find closure but you might still feel bad because of the breakup.

However, some people don’t even get this kind of closure. For instance, a breakup can happen on social media, and sometimes, people just disappear from each other’s lives so all the difficult feelings associated with the breakup remain unresolved.

When it comes to seeking closure, psychology can both explain why we need it and provide solutions. Relationship therapy can offer an alternative to a silent breakup, and therapy can also help you deal with various difficult experiences, including a breakup.

  All People and Relationships Are Unique

Generally, the main reason why we need closure is that understanding why our relationships ended helps us maintain our identity. The need for closure has a lot to do with our sense of self and self-confidence so some people need it more than others.

Some people may intentionally avoid closure because they are afraid to feel guilty or cannot withstand criticism. However, even people who don’t avoid closure may look for different answers. While some people may be satisfied with a certain answer, others may not reach closure when given the same answer.

• Our need for closure may depend on a personality type

Obviously, a lot also depends on the relationship and the circumstances that surround the breakup. For instance, when we are stressed out, we need closure more. Besides, our need for closure may depend on a personality type. Research data shows that people who value predictability and order don’t handle uncertainty easily so they need closure to move on.

In contrast, more open-minded people who feel comfortable with vagueness and uncertainty might be able to cope with the emotional consequences of a breakup without proper closure. A lot also depends on a particular person’s values. For instance, religious people tend to explain various negative experiences as “God’s will,” without looking for any other explanations.

  How to Give Your Ex Closure

Breakups are always difficult, especially if your partner is unlikely to share your perspective regarding your relationship. You need to take responsibility for your decisions and be ready to honestly explain why you want this relationship to come to an end.

You may not want to hurt the person who loves you, and you may also avoid revealing something about yourself when having a difficult conversation with them. You may not want to feel guilty, but you should keep in mind that explaining the reasons why you decided to break up is the healthiest solution because it allows you to be honest and kind.

When breaking up with someone, give them some time to process what happened and tell them that you’re ready to answer any questions. Communicate your boundaries and plan to meet your partner in a few weeks to have an honest talk and end the relationship on a good note.

  How to Give Yourself Closure

If your partner is the one who decided to end the relationship, you may or may not get closure. You can ask your ex-partner to explain their decision, but if they refuse to talk, you need to move on. It can be difficult to get over a breakup but you can distance yourself from this situation and consider it from different angles.

If your ex-partner doesn’t give you closure, you might be frustrated and disappointed, so ask yourself, did you really want to stay in a relationship with someone who causes you such pain? Is it the same person as someone you imagine as your best possible partner?

Quite often, people turn out to be not who we think they are. Don’t blame yourself for trusting this person, just accept the fact that sometimes, relationships don’t work out so it’s time to move on.

  Final Thoughts

Finding closure after a breakup is important, and if you don’t find it, it can be really difficult to move on. If you have a hard time overcoming the emotional consequences of a breakup, don’t hesitate to ask for help.

A licensed therapist can help you cope with the breakup and learn how to feel better about being single. Although some people might be too busy to commute to a therapist’s office, video chat therapy makes it possible to get the necessary support online without leaving the comfort of your home.

Online therapy platforms like Calmerry allow you to talk to licensed therapists online so it’s a more flexible approach than traditional therapy. Learn more about talk therapy so that you will know what the first session will look like.